spinning around in circles

i still hv two papers left....OMG...was so busy studyin that i didn't even realize that yest actually marked the 1st yr that we split...i shld say that i can't believe how i managed to come this far...he was n still is a disappointment and i m pretty sure that it is goin to stay this way..his fren at our workplace has been acting quite strangely towards me...n i don feel flattered at all...SO PLEASE KEEP A DISTANCE FROM ME THANK YOU U MUST B MAD TO THINK THAT I WOULD EVEN BE INTERESTED TO HV A FLING W U:)..
sometimes i really wonder...wat is considered to b givin too much...showin too much of ur feelings..n when isit considered to b too lil...
it is awfully confusing to decipher the words let alone smses frm someone whom u are interested in..i guess i won't noe for now would i?time will tel..it always does..it may take days,weeks,months or even yrs...but how long more m i willin to wait...this someone has yet to hurt me..to disappoint me.. to love me..to bring me to greater heights..but yet he thinks that we stand a chance..or has he removed that possibility while i was studyin for the exams..LOL

this song is the perfect song for me to say bye to the old one n hi to the new one whom i really feel like slappin now=) ahhaa

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

You mean nothin to me..goodbye stranger..
Back to my books...and notes..

lingering baby steps

a lot of things happened within these 4 to 5 months..interesting things,happy things,sad things..but of cos i had lots of fun..i really feel that i have found the real me..n i m really thankful for that..cos it's priceless..i finally know how to say no..to walk away..to have crazy fun..to give myself space..to express myself..but i hv yet to dare to face one thing..n this one thing has become an important part of me for 9 yrs..
this feeling isn't there 24 hrs..it disappears n come right back when i least expect it.in the past whenever that feeling came knockin on my door i would feel frustrated..but yest i sort of embraced it for the first time.but is the feeling mutual?
i can only think of a million reasons y it isn't mutual but i can't think of any reasons y it might be mutual.it never took this 9 yr dude much effort to put a smile on my face or to make me laugh.but however hard i try..i just don have the guts to tell him how i still feel. like he said,he would seldom tell a gal how he feels coz he doesn't want to ruin the frenship.
pointing at me frm across the rm during the parent teacher session to tell me that u like me when we were 12, the countless coincidental bumping into each other at roxy sq and getting on the same bus 14 when we were in lower sec,the lending of txt bk,the rare phone calls, telling me that i was the 1st girl u treated to lunch when we were 15 the fixing of my comp when we were 16,the simple surprise dinner on my 18th bday,the handphone key chain frm taiwan that u sharved into my hand seconds b4 i stepped into the train when we were 19, the strength u gave me when i just broke up w him when we were 19 and most importantly the 9 yrs and still counting companionship that u gave and are still giving me maybe insignificant to u but it definitely isn't to me..
we toked abt r/s and life in general..abt how natural it would b for one to profess one's feeling for the opp party if he or she had finally met the right one. But wat if most of us are just waiting for the answer to drop frm the sky even if we truly love someone alr.The biggest question is wat if i were like "most of us"?
it has become clearer that despite the many times that u hv managed to piss me and the 2 failed r/s accompanied w those who were and are still interested in me,i dare say w/o telling it to ur face that i hv been in love w u for 9 yrs and counting

my world keeps spinning like a merry-go-round

it's funny that ppl often say that it would be easier to forget someone if u started likin someone new..mayb to a certain extent this is true as it has been proven by countless ppl who had their hearts broken..
i read frm a book that men these days look for younger women because it is more unlikely for them to hv their fairy tale perception of love completely smashed by some bastard who decided to press the eject button once they got into the car that was supposed to transport them to their honeymoon designation (well u noe the 1st year spent together as a couple).N their very last sentence is usually 'u deserve someone better than me'.
mayb it's the thrill or mayb it gives them this temporary sense of security that the female would naturally look up to them for guidance based on seniority.but wat they often forget is that resepect is earned over time..u can't simply expect the other party to just nod her head when u say somethin..everybody has the right to agree or disagree.n y a couple argue is because of disagreements which may not necessary mean that they are not meant for each other-i'm sure amongst siblings and fam there are bound to b squabbles..can we then conveniently say we are not fated to b a fam n not bother to salvage wat's left? all that was mention is really in general n it doesn't reflect the behaviour of anyone in specific as i see a lot of r/s w this prob.
i see certain similarities btwn us that were never meant to be deliberate-n that is i blog abt the aftermath which he used to yrs back but not now..but wat i really want to say is that i think i am really free from the past ever since i deleted him frm my two networkin sources..i just don't feel tht it's necessary for me to see wat are his updates..
it's not that i didn't love him in fact i saw him as the love of my life but he just chucked it aside. so it just brings to show that wat we shared has now turned into grey ashes which has alr long been blown away by a gust of wind.i was loyal and i sure as hell tried to save the r/s..
But if u want crap to stop happening to u then u should stop accepting crap n start demanding for something more which is wat i hv chosen=)
And yet while everything is the same it is very, very different.

Got me thinking

spent the whole of yesterday clearing out my shelves..gotten rid of all of my JC notes, tutorials and of course exam papers..used to have this habit of doodling on my lecture notes.. a must have was my signature smiley face that liz n mich would always try to copy..hahah..lookin back on the two years that i spent in MJ i have actually spent most of my time tryin very hard to pass my tests n exams...the only consolation i guess was that i saw some improvement..improvement that wasn't very visible at all.. n it was only yesterday that i found out that my cousin(my long lost pal) is actually on nus med.. really amazing...both of us got into the same jc..same course...but our grades are so different..n now we are on totally different paths..paths that which will never cross i guess.. woke up very early today only to know that i had to collect my cert asap..as i walked thru the gates of mj i felt indifferent towards the whole environment..they even made me sit in front of a laptop to key in my grades..couldn't they have keyed in themselves???after all the certs were with them for such a long time.. best part was that i had to walk such a long dist as there wasn't a single bus...and when number 3 finally came i got off two stops down the road to take a cab to simpang only to take number 10 home.. oh well..wat can i say.. thank god that i stil had my korean drama and egg mcmuffin to keep me company...=)

sitting by the roadside taking pictures of us

it's been eons since i last met up with my first three months classmates..for the longest time, i avoided almost all of the gatherings that my first three months classmates organised because of one bad gatherin that i had when i was in j1...it took me long enough to realise that i chose the wrong group to meet up with back then when i was in j1...to put it simply, 0506 PAE was sort of divided into 2 main groups- the geeks and the so called law breakers...hahahah...i still remember that gatherin in 2006 was one which only the geeks attended...i found myself biting my tongue most of the time as i did not know how to communicate with them.. but last night's gatherin was different.. well this group of fun loving law breakers has more or less found a goal in life..rach had chosen to pursue her studies in aust(i love u gal..u can do it n yes i'll work fuckin hard n join u in aust for my final yr k??)..both alv n sarah had chosen to go poly n are doin very well..jon and zach both retained but are doin very well in sch as well..wj had moved from poly n back to jc...ju is goin to nus..shu is goin sim(let's try wakeboarding k??hahah)..basically we ordered hell a lot of food at ecp n then we were plannin to throw shu into the sea because her bday was round the corner but we had to turn to plan B because that wonderful gal took like an eternity to leave UBI after her drivin lesson...leave it up to them man, rach suggested that we all crashed shu's house..we all squeezed into sarah's mercedes-benz and blasted the music as we headed down to her house...n there we found ourselves sittin by the roadside takin pictures of us..n before we knew it we were in her room where we were 2 yrs ago during CNY..

happy fathers' day

wow...another year has passed..n it's yet another fathers' day..speaking of which...i always find it extremely difficult to remember the actual weekend that is so special to all fathers...the ironic part is that, my best fren michelle actually said that i was quite lucky not to have a father...this way i could a) save money on the gift and b) save me the trouble from having to squeeze my brain juice dry while thinkin of wat to get my beloved father..hahah i think i'm the worst daughter alive... on a more serious note..not havin one is not so fun after all because then u would not be aware of the general behaviour or mannerism of an average father which would have came in handy when one met the parents of say maybe his or her fren or even partner..M i making any sense??if u do not think so then maybe it's because i'm too sleepy that's y i'm not sounding quite logical...watever it is...i want to wish all the fathers out there including my dad who is watching me from above a very Happy Fathers' Day...

something that u said

prior to this relationship..i was always so afraid of letting any one in..i didn't want to be bruised any further for i was disappointed once by my ex..but my new love has taught me to be happy..to be confident..to learn to enjoy life..all these sounded so foreign to me..but it's not the same now...dear, it's something that u said that changed me-u said that u love me..=)n just to let u noe..i love u so much too=)